Aurin needs 💸 📌<p>I struggle with guilt over gardening and enjoying to garden, or any other hobby I might do — having a hobby at all, or doing enjoyable things at all, feels like a luxury and decadence I haven't earned! because I'm poor and how dare I spend money on frivolties like seeds and a watering can, or yarn.</p><p>Even though I garden to grow food because I don't have access to go to supermarkets or grocery stores and can't get fresh food online....</p><p>Even though ALL my (theoretical) hobbies are designed to be the cheapest possible while in most cases saving money! Gardening and yarn crafts and diy punk zine culture for example.</p><p>I just feel guilty for existing at all, and when I suffer I feel guilty for suffering and being a killjoy, and when I don't suffer enough, I feel guilty for that too, because how dare I expect others to support me??</p><p>NO ACTUALLY. I am MADE to feel guilty. This is not some random individual mental health struggle I happen to have. This is me picking up the messages of society and of mastodon as well (my only social interactions), messages that can be shockingly direct or just kinda the vibes I'm getting. </p><p>Often it is in the negative spaces, in what is specifically NOT said and done, or rather in how I get excluded actively-passively. Almost always with enough double talk and plausible deniability that I can't put my finger on it, I can't complain.</p><p>How do I blame someone for excluding me, when no one has made a commitment to me in the first place? BUT THAT IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM. That no one cares if I die.*</p><p>*And now I feel guilty for phrasing it like that and getting tangled up in trying to phrase it just right. I give up. There is no right way to express this threat. another double bind. </p><p><a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/disability" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>disability</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/ableism" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>ableism</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/capitalism" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>capitalism</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/CapitalismKills" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>CapitalismKills</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/anarchy" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>anarchy</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/AbuseCulture" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>AbuseCulture</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/isolation" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>isolation</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/covid" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>covid</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/ubi" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>ubi</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/fascism" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>fascism</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/antifa" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>antifa</span></a> <a href="https://climatejustice.social/tags/AntiFascism" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>AntiFascism</span></a></p>